4 Things I Wish I Knew as a Younger Mom Facing the Teen Years

Teens go through so many phases before becoming an adult. Some can be more challenging than others, such as the phase where your teen only wears black or decides to be vegan and consequentially berates the entire family for being a house full of cow murderers.

My best advice here is to keep the big picture in mind. Whatever weird or concerning behavior or habit you're displaying right now, try and remember that it doesn’t define them, and they will work through it. These phases always come and go. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t intervene if we sense anything unhealthy or concerning, of course, but we need to let our teens work through these years without getting so emotionally dysregulated by every unexpected phase or decision they make.

So, for example, if your teen completely switches friend groups or announces he’s dropping a hobby or sport, he’s absolutely loved until now…it will all be okay. It likely feels like the end of the world when our “baby” suddenly decides Disney princesses are society's cultural downfall and becomes a self-proclaimed feminist, but teens often grow out of phases just as quickly as they commit to them.

Teens are renowned for making impulsive, often uncharacteristic choices and decisions because they’re continually developing their sense of identity and place in the world. Of course, we should pay attention to red flags or emotionally concerning behavior, but the work is more within us than it is for them. Pray about whatever phase your teen may be struggling through, and then trust God.  This, too, shall pass!

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Confessional: My first teenage son was perfect—not a mood swing, not an eye roll. I was a single mom then, so I think it was a stellar example of God’s sovereignty. But then I had another, and his teenage years made me question my literal existence. You name it, and we dealt with it.

We’re mostly out of the woods now (changing seasons), but for a time there, I really believed my child hated me. He’d speak as little as humanly possible to me…appearing to be in actual pain when forced to reply a simple “yes” or “no” to whether they wanted. He’d refuse and reject any suggestion of a shared activity and scurry out of the room at the mere sound of my footsteps. He left half-cooked pancakes sizzling on the stove to avoid my presence.

So, from the other side of this emotionally abusive mountain… I assure you that despite all the mood swings, your teen still loves you and will still love you…even when it gets worse. The emotional shutdown you feel from your teen likely has everything to do with their inner turmoil, hormone changes, and general exhaustion and zero to do with you. Unfortunately, we may have to remind ourselves of this truth daily because it feels so hurtful at the moment.

I once read a quote that says your teen takes out their emotions on whoever they feel most secure with because they know that person loves them enough to handle it.  I’m not suggesting we tolerate blatant disrespect or become emotional doormats, but so much of this behavior is normal and temporal. My best advice would be to pray for your teen daily, asking them to feel an increased sense of security in the world, a continued closeness to Him, and a softening of the heart towards you. We often forget to pray for what’s paining us the most, so don’t forget to pray!

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As Christian parents, our primary desire is for our kids to know and love the Lord. That’s it. We want them to develop their own relationships with the Lord and become perfect Christians, following in the footsteps of Jesus himself.

It’s a lofty hope. And I pray it every day. But like so many of our journeys through youth, our kids will likely make a bad decision, too. They may go through a phase where they refuse to attend or resist attending youth groups. They might moan and roll their eyes when jolting them from hibernation-level sleep every Sunday. They might display “non-Christian” behavior or full-on rebelliousness at some point before becoming adults. I’m here to say all this is common… and God is still in control.

It’s important not to get so caught up in fear and anxiety when your teen goes through some rough patches spiritually. This is a time to pray more and exercise more faith than ever. Don’t condemn or shame yourself for not “raising them well enough” or not seeing signs of rebellion earlier. Your teen’s bad or ambivalent behavior may feel crushing and all-consuming in the moment, but their hearts will return to the Lord. Always remember the Lord loves our kids even more than we do, and as painful as it is to witness our kids veering “off the path,” in any way, God has a plan for their life that won’t be hindered or thwarted despite the most angsty of teenage years.

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Somewhere in the dark, cavernous interim between the tween and teen years, most parents suffer a demotion. We transmute from our kid’s best friend, Lego-building, and movie-watching partners to… well, the last person on Earth they want to be seen with. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. It’s rough. No more handholding. No more endless rambling about their day after school and no more enthusiastic “yes!” when suggesting a board game or movie (although food/snack bribery sometimes helps!).

Here’s the good news, and something I still need to remind myself of daily. We may not be their besties anymore, but our teens need us around and fully present just as much (maybe even more) as they did when they were younger. The teenage experience is often a confusing, emotional, and exhausting experience mentally and physically. Knowing they have a parent in the house who cares, is available for support when needed, and is fully invested means so much. They should never be undervalued because they don’t express outward need or appreciation.

Simple things like popping their heads in their rooms and often shouting, “Feel like a snack?” or pausing work when they come home from school to ask how they did on a test lets teens know they’re still a priority and they have an emotional safety net. It’s tempting to stop routines like saying “lights out!” at night, managing their screen time, and pestering them about eating healthier. However, our teens are still developing emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and as much as they demand otherwise, they need our constant care.

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