4 Things to Remember When Going Through a Divorce

One of the most insidious aspects of divorce is the fact that we have to handle so many logistical life-changing decisions while managing daily emotional devastation. Depending on the circumstances, we find ourselves looking for another home, dividing up shared assets, making decisions about child custody, navigating legal procedures, etc. The list is endless and overwhelming.

My best advice, no matter where you are on your divorce journey, is to take it one day at a time and not become caught up in the ‘what ifs’ of the future. Every morning, commit to only thinking and handling what you need to take care of for the day. Make a list if it helps. If your house is on the market and you have an open house later, focus on cleaning and prepping instead of caving to all the scary “what ifs” that onslaught us daily.

When we feel our world imploding around us, with every source of comfort and familiarity fading before our eyes, it’s natural to desire control. So we’re tortured by the what-if thoughts. What if we can’t find a new house when this one sells? What if the kids aren’t happy in the new home? What if we’re making a huge mistake?” This is where we do have to trust God. I know you can’t see a way through our out in so many scenarios, but you have to remind yourself- dozens of times a day- that God can. He will get you through this, but you need to lean on Him constantly and trust, day by day, step by step with Jesus.

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Most Christians know the Malachi 2:16 verse, “God hated divorce.” I believe most agree we should do everything possible to maintain the vows to our partner and the Lord. After all, marriage is a sacred act, the foundation for family, and divorce is a universally grievous experience. But just as we live in a fallen world full of broken people and many circumstances beyond our control, sometimes our vows fail us.

Please read this repeatedly until it sinks into your heart. God can hate divorce and love the divorcee at the same time. If you love and follow Jesus, divorce is not and cannot stop you from having an abundant, restored, redeemed beautiful life. There is no wrong God doesn’t forgive, and there are no mistakes, regrets, or failures the Lord cannot turn from ash to beauty.

Going through a divorce can do a doozy on our ability to feel still worthy, protected, provided for, and unconditionally favored when going through the “sin” of divorce. We need to remind ourselves about God’s circumstance-proof faithfulness and goodness every day during close, purposeful times with the Lord. Having quiet time with the Lord is not an option in this season. We need to drench ourselves in the Word and replenish our souls with worship and prayer every day to remain free from the guilt and shame that always creep in if we’re not careful.

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I’m a lifelong trail runner. But all I could do for a solid two months in the prime heat of divorce was walk. It was as if my soul was so heavy and my spirit was so weak; it was the only pace I could handle. There’s no point in sugarcoating the undeniable fact going through a divorce is soul-crushing for a time. It’s hurtful and unnatural to emotionally, physically, and emotionally sever ourselves from someone we pledged our lives to, and that doesn’t even touch on the indescribable pain when kids are involved. Our nervous systems are an absolute wreck during this time, and anxiety can become nearly crippling.

So, it’s okay not to jog. It’s OK to slow down. To decline the work trip or project. Being a friend requires all the care and attention for a time. It’s okay to go to bed when the sun sets and go for long walks in nature multiple times daily. This is to tend to your wounded heart and be kind and loving to yourself, just as Jesus would have if he were right here with you.

Most importantly, don’t go a single day without prayer and worship time. We must ground our spirits in God’s love, comfort, and strength every morning to make it through these days with grace, clarity, and faith. I know there are a hundred things to do, and you feel like you’re being pulled in a thousand different directions, weighed down by an unbearable amount of stress right now, but we still need to prioritize our time and relationship with the Lord, for our own heart’s sake.

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Divorce represents the death of your marriage, but it doesn’t represent the death of you. Or your dreams. Or your goals. Or your chances to be wildly (yes, wildly) happy and whole someday. Whether it was our choice or not, so many of us often feel such a crushing weight of guilt and shame associated with divorce. We feel like we’ve let our kids down, our family down, ourselves down, and even our church and friend communities down. It’s simply crushing, and consequently, it feels selfish and impossible to think of being happy again.

We’re so wrapped up in tying up the loose ends of a pre-existing life that it really can feel like our world and everything in it is permanently over. You’ll have to spend time healing, re-grouping, and learning to live on your own again, but at the end of the grief process (because, again, divorce is a form of death), there is life. I know you can’t imagine it right now…it might feel painful to imagine a life of joy without your former spouse.

But you will… because it’s God’s will. John 10:10 says, “I came that they might have life and that they may have it more abundantly.” In this verse, Jesus promises that he came to give people life to the fullest rather than to exist or cope with circumstances. The phrase "abundant life" refers to a life full of joy and strength for the spirit, soul, and body. It's a contrast to feelings of emptiness, dissatisfaction, and lack. This applies to every single person surviving a divorce.

If you’re going through or just emerged from a divorce, be kind to yourself. Lean on God, take it one step, then one day at a time. Be still and know that one day, you will look back at this time in your life, tearfully thanking Jesus for his faithful goodness.

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