While the purpose of social media is to connect with others more easily, it appears to be having the opposite effect. We may think we’re being social and sensing “togetherness” with others in our online activities, but the very nature of scrolling through social media is increasing our isolation and our intimacy with our electronic devices and making us more lonely.
Repeat studies have shown screen activities are linked to more loneliness, and non-screen activities are linked to less loneliness. A recent study of adults found that the more people used a social media site (or several), the lower their mental health and life satisfaction at the next assessment. However, after they interacted with their friends in person, their mental health and life satisfaction improved. Furthermore, it continues to be found that those who take a regular break from social media sites are happier, less lonely, and less depressed than those who continue to use social media sites as usual (Source: Jean M. Twenge, IGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy—and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood (New York: Arria, 2017).
In my book, The New Loneliness, I point out that our electronic devices—and our growing relationship with our screens—cannot take the place of human-to-human interaction. Our reliance on social media is one of the reasons we are experiencing less touch, less human interaction, and less “togetherness” with our friends.
While social media can help us connect online with those we otherwise wouldn’t be able to see often, it can also keep us from connecting in ways that we used to: Picking up the phone and calling a friend or family member we haven’t seen in a while in order to catch up on a one-to-one basis. When social media began, you may have heard others say, “If you want to know what’s going on in my life, get on Facebook.” It became a way for us to easily “be informed” about more people, but in reality, we now keep in personal touch with far fewer.
Here are six ways social media promotes loneliness rather than connection and how to remedy the situation.
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1. It keeps you from spending time in the physical presence of others.
1. It keeps you from spending time in the physical presence of others.
Most people don’t scroll through social media with someone else or as a group. The very act of scrolling is an isolated activity that involves you and your phone. And anytime we are absorbed in our phones, we are neglecting others who may be right there in our physical presence. If you are spending more time on social media than in actual social settings with other people, then that activity of scrolling through others’ profiles has become a distraction to personal interaction, which can leave you feeling lonely.
True connection is not sitting next to someone—or across the dinner table from them—while absorbed in the contents of your phone. True connection involves eye contact, human touch, and being genuinely interested in the people around you or in front of you. Talk (not type) with those around you, and don’t neglect one who is in your physical presence by focusing on the virtual presence of others or their stories via a screen.
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2. It increases your FOMO and feelings of rejection.
2. It increases your FOMO and feelings of rejection.
The fear of missing out—dubbed FOMO—didn’t become a thing until the advent of social media. Now, with others’ highlight reels and victory posts in front of us, we are constantly being made aware of what others have, are achieving, and are experiencing, and how our lives seem lonelier, more inadequate, and more disappointing by comparison. Those feelings can lead to a deeper sense of loneliness as we entertain thoughts like Why don’t I have that? or I wonder why I wasn’t invited to that gathering?
In a good old-fashioned friendship where we sit across the table from a friend or talk with them on the phone and hear the context behind their “highlights” in life, we can more easily rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn, rather than reading a post, making a judgment (or feeling a sad or competitive reaction), and then moving on. Relationships take work, yet we can reap the benefits of that work. Scrolling through social media doesn’t involve effort, except to try to keep from feeling jealous, rejected, or left out.
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3. It stirs up feelings of jealousy from others which may harm your relationships.
3. It stirs up feelings of jealousy from others which may harm your relationships.
Have you ever had a friend or family member tell you they felt left out when you posted pics of your party or outing with a select few? People have always felt left out when they weren’t invited to something, but now it’s even more prevalent as we tend to post our social events and tag those who were included and often don’t realize who else will see it and react negatively or be hurt by it. It can create feelings of resentment when we feel left out or feelings of disdain, when we are told we unintentionally, hurt someone else by bragging about our fun times that didn’t include them.
Think about the reasons behind your posts. Do you want to let someone in particular know how much you are enjoying life without them? Perhaps you simply want an online record of your memories. It’s true some people are more hurt and offended than others, but do your best to make sure your social media use encourages rather than discourages others. That might mean filtering what you announce more carefully so you don’t have fewer friends in the long run.
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4. It makes you less content with your own life which leads to deeper loneliness.
4. It makes you less content with your own life which leads to deeper loneliness.
When you and I scroll through someone’s “highlight reels,” we are seeing only a moment in their life, or a selective collage, not the actual reality of their life, which consists of both ups and downs like everyone else’s. Therefore, this false impression of the wonderful life everyone else is experiencing leaves us with feelings of not just jealousy of someone else’s life, but a lack of contentment with our own.
1 Timothy 6:6 tells us, “Godliness with contentment is great gain” (KJV). 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to be thankful in all things, and social media can tempt us to complain or resent our circumstances rather than constantly being grateful to God for what we do have. When we are grateful and content with what we have, that draws us closer to our Maker, which helps us more readily reach out to others. Choose contentment, rather than competitiveness or comparison. When you read of others’ accomplishments online, pray for those people, thank God for what He has given them, and then thank God for what He is doing in your life, whether it’s post-worthy or not.
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5. It keeps us further away from the possibility of human touch.
5. It keeps us further away from the possibility of human touch.
A scientific study of young people by Dartmouth Medical School (called “Hardwired to Connect”), found that from the moment a baby is born, his or her brain is physically, biologically, and chemically hardwired to connect with others in relationships. That shouldn’t be surprising to us, as believers, because we were created in the image of a relational God for the purpose of relationships.
You may feel connected with someone else by typing words over a keyboard or receiving their smiley face or heart emoji on a story or comment you posted. But you and I will remain empty and truly lonely if we don’t have physical touch in our lives and engage our five senses when it comes to being in a real-life, transparent, and vulnerable relationship with others. We might tend to keep ourselves at a distance from others, believing online relationships are emotionally safer, but by doing so, we are robbing ourselves of genuine and fulfilling relationships God intended us to experience. We are hardwired by our Creator to connect physically with one another in a friendship or relationship in which all five senses are engaged, not just the sensation of touch from your isolated fingertips on a keyboard or cold, hard screen.
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6. It makes us believe we’re connected personally, when in reality we are not.
6. It makes us believe we’re connected personally, when in reality we are not.
When we continue to socialize online more than in person, we can begin to believe we are truly connecting with others, emotionally and physically, when we haven’t been around them or gone beyond the surface of the image-polished acquaintance. A friend of mine told me she recently attended a retirement party in which she saw several people she hadn’t talked to in decades. Yet because she often saw their posts about their children, grandchildren, and various milestones in their lives, she was under the false impression she had seen them and talked with them regularly through the years. She then realized she was merely watching and reading about their life from a distance, yet not interacting personally with them. She also became disturbed at realizing she had somehow become content with that level of separation and distance.
How subtle social media is in making us believe we really have kept in touch when the word touch (and, in many cases, talk) was completely lacking. Think of someone you haven’t really connected with in quite a while and pick up the phone and talk with them. Let them know of your desire to get back in physical—rather than digital—touch. Social media is another way we are robbed of human touch, but you don’t have to let it rob you too.
How can you make sure you’re not becoming more lonely by your use of social media? Challenge yourself to scroll through online feeds only to encourage others, not to judge, correct, feel jealous or inferior, or even to try to affirm yourself. When you feel you need a pick-me-up, pick up the phone to call a friend or two instead, seeking to encourage them. When you and I take the initiative to help someone else become less lonely, we will find ourselves less lonely just by making the effort. The more you initiate genuine connection, the greater your chances of actually experiencing it.
For more on connecting more closely with God and others, see Cindi’s book, The New Loneliness: Nurturing Meaningful Connections When You Feel Isolated.
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Originally published February 05, 2025.
