7 Ways that a Christian Wife Can Communicate Better

1. Are You Communicating Enough?

We are all busy, whether we work out of the home or not. We have things to do, places to go, and things to see daily. How often do we pass our spouses in the house and don’t have time to say more than two words? Sometimes, we need to be concerned about how much we communicate with our spouse before we critique ways to communicate better.

As with so many other things, we make time for what is a priority for us. On the surface, it may seem like no big deal that you both rush around and say a quick hello and goodbye with a peck on the cheek. But it is a big deal because couples are supposed to grow together, not apart, and if you are too busy to talk to your spouse, then you are too busy to live the life you are living. It can be not easy if you have children and you are helping them navigate school and activities, especially if you work outside the home. Still, in those cases, you have to wedge communication where possible.

Carve out niches in the day when you can communicate about important and frivolous things. Wake up 10 minutes before you get out of bed and talk. Call each other at lunch (or when you’re both available without the kids). At the end of the evening, save at least another 10 minutes to talk about God's will for your lives, hopes, fears, and plans–and then pray together. If you have more time to spend together, that would be better! Just make sure that communication is a part of that time.

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2. Communicate with God First

We humans don’t know what other people always think or need. But God knows. That’s why I believe it’s essential to be in God’s word and find passages about how to speak with others (see verse suggestions later on in this slideshow). I believe it’s also essential to pray for your spouse each day–not just asking God to meet their needs, but praying Scripture over your spouse. One of my favorite verses to pray over my husband while he is at work is, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Also, spend time with the Lord praying about whether you are communicating what He wants you to say. Maybe He will lead you to verses about the fruit of the Spirit to ensure that your words are encased in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Does your husband hear your words as they are filtered through these character traits? Or does he hear frustration, fear, anger, and complaint? No one is always perfect, and certainly, there will be times when you have something to be frustrated or complain about. But does he see you overall as a woman of noble character who is working on growing in these traits as she grows closer to God? Any time spent in prayer will benefit you, not just the one you are praying for.

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3. Know Your Husband’s Communication Style

Even though men are stereotyped as being poor communicators compared to women, every person is uniquely made by God and has had unique experiences. So don’t assume that your husband doesn’t want to talk. Instead, take time to really observe his communication style.

I have a friend who dated two men (not at the same time) who couldn’t have been more different. She prayed and asked God for someone to love the Lord and lead her into a Christ-centered marriage. The man she believed the Lord sent was godly, but he never stopped talking. He was in charge of every moment because He wanted her to know he was a man who would lead his wife well. They were both emotions-based people who had everything in common regarding their faith. But the problem was, that was the only thing they had in common. Every time she brought up any other topic, he was lost. It didn’t work.

Then she prayed for someone who knew the Lord but understood and liked the same things she did (she wanted the whole package after the last guy). She found him, but then this new man was always in his head and barely talked–certainly never about his emotions. She would want to talk about things, but he would give two —or three-word answers.

My friend was doing her research ahead of time to make sure they were compatible. For the Christian woman who is already married and wants to know her husband’s communication style, consider when, why, how, and where he wants to talk.

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4. Choose Wisely

Again, a Christian wife can communicate better with her husband if she chooses wisely what to communicate and how. Former radio host Brian Meltzer had a call-in advice program from the 1960s to the 1990s and was known to offer an often-repeated bit of advice for communication. He said, “Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, kind, necessary, and helpful.”

I’ve often thought of this adage before speaking with my husband, which has helped our communication. I always ensure I have the facts before presenting something to my husband that we need to decide on together. Also, if I’m going to address something about him, I always first ask the Lord if I am saying it in a kind way or if it’s even necessary or helpful. I made a mistake in the past of saying something true about him, but it was not kind and was not necessary–it caused a rift between us for a while.

Over the 22 years I've been married, I’ve learned to add something to Meltzer’s adage. I also consider whether it’s the right time to speak. It may be true, kind, necessary, and helpful, but maybe it’s not the right time. I need to know my husband well enough to understand if he will absorb the necessary information before I speak with him.

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5. Know What the Bible Says about Your Relationship

There is no need to guess how God feels about how you and your husband should treat each other. Starting with Adam needing a helper made from his own flesh, God has had specific words for husbands and wives:

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22)

“Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” (1 Peter 3:1)

God wants husbands to lead their wives and love them as Christ loved the church–men who follow closely after Christ. He wants wives who will respect their husbands, and they, too, will grow in their faith in Christ. Love and respect set the stage for better communication.

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6. Know What the Bible Says about Communication in General

Everything we need to know about communication and getting along with our fellow man has already been said by God and others in the Bible. If we keep an eye on those recommendations/commandments, we are well on our way to knowing how to communicate better, especially with our husbands. Consider the following:

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6)

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7. Most Importantly of All…

It is easy to understand why you want to communicate better with your husband. It’s not just so that you don’t argue. It’s not so that you can feel more fulfilled. It’s not so that you can be a good role model for your children (though that is very important). The most significant reason why you want to be able to communicate with your husband well is that you want to help him grow in his relationship with Christ. He should want the same thing for you as well.

If you study how Jesus interacted with people–a mixture of compassion and a call to repentance—you will see that he was concerned about their eternal life and life on earth. You should be concerned about your husband’s eternal life, helping him fix his eyes on Jesus and demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit to him. One way to do this is to be in a small group at your church (together and separately, if possible) to become stronger disciples of Christ.

I received some advice years ago that I thought was very helpful, and I practice it every day, whether I’m “feeling it” or not. I tell my husband every day (multiple times) that I love him, am proud to be his wife, and am grateful for all he does for me and our family. My husband has said that hearing these things puts him in a much calmer and positive frame of mind, ready to communicate healthily.

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