5 Ways to Move Forward When Someone Won’t Forgive You

We’ve all seen a parent tell a toddler to say they’re sorry for taking another toddler’s toy or hitting him or her. Eventually the offending toddler might say, “Sorry,” but the other child knows it’s not sincere or heartfelt, so they continue to cry and be angry.

Try to be unbiased when considering a few questions:

Did you take ownership of the offense? 

Did you express specifically the offense for which you were apologizing?

Did you try to justify, pass blame, or make excuses?

Did you seem sincere in your body language and tone? 

Did you validate their feelings?

Did you offer to make restitution or ask what you might do to regain their trust?

Did you ask God for words of forgiveness?

It’s hard to admit humbly, “I was wrong.” Or confess, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Often disputes arise over misperceptions or misunderstandings that can be clarified by defusing the situation with a sincere apology discussion. Other times the person may still not be ready to forgive you.

Even if you don’t feel you did anything wrong, the other person was offended, so they still deserve an apology. Maybe simply saying a heartfelt, “I’m so sorry my actions hurt you. That was never my intention. I am truly sorry. Will you forgive me?” They might be receptive to you asking, “What, if anything, can I do to restore our relationship?”

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me.” Psalm 139:23-24

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret. 2 Cor. 7:10

Photo Credit: ©GettyImage/Daniela Jovanovska-Hristovska 

True repentance doesn’t always mean we’ll get the response we long for and expect. The consequences of our actions could mean a fractured or failed relationship and that hurts. We said we were sorry. We meant it. Why don’t they let us off the hook and accept our apology?

Feelings of pride, self-righteousness, and disappointment can lead to bitterness that becomes a sin. Even if you feel confident that your apology was sincere, you can’t be responsible or manipulate the other person’s response. 

Receiving forgiveness would make you feel better and provide some relief from the guilt and remorse that you’re feeling, but asking forgiveness should focus on the offended person and not us. God doesn’t want us laboring under guilt, but He does want us to feel the other person’s pain, not just our own. You will need to forgive them for not forgiving you. 

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Col. 3:13

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Heb. 12:15

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/AntonioGuillem 

When not granted forgiveness by someone, we need to respect their choice and continue to act kindly toward them. It takes time to rebuild trust. A painful experience isn’t forgotten quickly or easily. As much as we would like to erase the entire episode, the offended person needs to heal at his or her own pace. We also must accept that they may never be able to totally forgive us depending on how deep the hurt goes.

Don’t try to avoid them, but also don’t interject yourself into their life uninvited. If you run into them at church or in other social situations, even when it’s family, smile and be congeal but don’t engage them in a conversation that they don’t initiate. If they’re not ready to talk with you, then don’t force it. 

Time often does heal wounds, but not always. The temptation might be to talk about the other person or what caused your falling out and that becomes gossip, which again is a sin. 

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. Prov. 16:28

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Eph. 4:31

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Vitezslav Vylicil 

An apology should always start with asking God for forgiveness for whatever part we played in hurting the other person. Even if they won’t forgive you, ask God to forgive you then ask Him what you could’ve done differently and how not to repeat the offense again. Actions have consequences and perhaps not receiving forgiveness is one of those painful consequences God will use in your life to stop you from repeating the action. 

Reflect with God on your actions toward the other person. Ask Him to reveal to you the core reason of why you acted the way you did or said the things you said.

• Was I being selfish, prideful, or angry instead of considering the other person more important than myself?
• Did I act out of a desire for revenge, to get my own way, or to prove a point?
• Was I trying to cover up or justify my own sins or failures?
• How could I have reacted differently in the situation?
• Lord, teach me Your ways that I would be a better reflection of You and not myself.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me.” Ps. 139:23-24

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Matt. 7:3

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/MangoStarStudio 

Pray for the offended person who isn’t forgiving you. Even when you don’t feel like it. Especially, when you don’t feel like it. It’s okay to pray that someday they will forgive you, but you can also pray for God to bless their life even if they never forgive you. The more you pray for them, the more your heart will soften towards them not forgiving you and maybe God will help you to become a more forgiving person yourself from this experience. 

Pray continually. 1 Thess. 5:17

You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the supple moves of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. Matt. 5:44-47 The Message

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/kieferpix