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6 Ways to Survive and Thrive at Thanksgiving (Surrounded by Relatives)

6 Ways to Survive and Thrive at Thanksgiving (Surrounded by Relatives)

Of especially tricky family members, “The Lion King’s” Zazu quipped, “There’s one in every family, sire. Two in mine, actually. And they always manage to ruin special occasions.” Thanksgiving is no exception. Of this holiday, life coach Martha Beck wrote, “You can put half your life's savings into therapy—good therapy, effective therapy—and, 15 minutes into a holiday reunion, you still become hopelessly enmeshed in the same old crazy dynamics.” It is, therefore, possible for us to come to the Thanksgiving table already fearing the worst. This, of course, leads to increasing our stress levels, which in turn leaves us primed with hair-trigger responses that, ironically, lead us to being labeled as the badly-behaved relative.

So what are we to do? The apostle Paul wrote, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Let me begin by focusing on just five words:

  • "Be kind to one another"

    "Be kind to one another"

    So just how kind am I supposed to be? Paul does not give us any specific measure of kindness. What we can know for sure is that Godly kindness will always override "…all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander… [and] all malice." What’s more, Godly kindness is not merely an external change of manners but always an internal change of heart. Verse 32 says, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted…" God’s kindness is tenderhearted and ours is to be too. The idea behind "tenderhearted" is that our hearts are empathetically tuned. But by whom?

    The answer is given in the form of the verb in verse 31. Paul wrote, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you..." Notice that the verb is passive. If left to ourselves, we have no chance of ridding our inner life of bitterness and malice. To be free, there must be a renewing power or person that takes bitterness and malice from our hearts and enables God’s tenderhearted kindness to flow from within us. Galatians 5:22 states very clearly, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness…" It is only and always the Holy Spirit who comes into our lives and who can accomplish this supernatural work. He is, mercifully, very patient with us and graciously willing to work through us.

    That said, here are a few practical suggestions as to how you might give the Holy Spirit more room to be at work at the Thanksgiving table as you carve the turkey, pass the mashed potatoes and repress a murderous thought:

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  • 1. Ask God to help you not to take it personally.

    1. Ask God to help you not to take it personally.

    Social psychologist Amy Johnson wrote, “In family settings, people are particularly prone to personalize disagreements and other problems.” It is unlikely that a troublesome relative is deliberately setting out to sabotage your holiday. Asking God to help you extend this measure of His grace will grow and preserve His peace in your heart. Paul would remind all of us, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7). And in the stillness of God’s peace it will be so much easier to know God’s heart for you and for the wounded soul at your dining table. This will also help you with the next prayer request.

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  • 2. Ask God to show you the very best in someone.

    2. Ask God to show you the very best in someone.

    We all come with a full menu of human traits and this will always be a mixed bag. Seeking God’s help to reveal to us “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable…” (Philippians 4:8) will be of extraordinary value in the quiet and warm conversation you are about to have!

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  • 3. Pray that you might have a quiet and warm conversation.

    3. Pray that you might have a quiet and warm conversation.

    Jesus instructed his followers, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” (Matthew 18:15). The “you and him alone” piece is an important distinction. The Holy Spirit will have much more opportunity to bless and guide your quiet chat if it takes place out of earshot of the rest of the family. A public lynching is not what Jesus had in mind. And in this conversation between the two of you, remember to talk honestly about what you find difficult about his behavior rather than reducing this to a character assassination (this is also what makes point 2 above an important pre-requisite to this conversation). The “you and him alone” exhortation is also important in remembering to address how you feel rather than condemning a person’s behavior as manifestly evil or bringing in the rest of the family to back up your thesis that Uncle Albert is indeed a sociopath! And then, when you have spoken the truth in love…

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  • 4. Accept that you are powerless to change someone.

    4. Accept that you are powerless to change someone.

    Johnson counsels, “If you have a talk with the person, remember to allow her to make the response that she makes.” In other words, we don’t have the power to make someone change her behavior, or to force her to agree with us. In the same way that we are reliant upon the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit to bring God’s tenderness and kindness to bear in our own hearts, so we must entrust the power of the Spirit in the life of another person. If, however, we have spoken the truth in love, we can have confidence that we have been faithful in clearing a path for the Holy Spirit to work.

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  • 5. In the moment, if all else fails… excuse yourself and go do the dishes.

    5. In the moment, if all else fails… excuse yourself and go do the dishes.

    If, as the poet Gerard Manly Hopkins wrote, “…all our best endeavors in disappointment do end…,” then the most loving thing may be to temporarily remove yourself from the fray. Paul reminds us, “…but with the temptation [God] will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13). Doing the dishes, helping with the cooking, playing with the children or clearing the table may be just the God-given distraction to dissuade you from the temptation of hurling a bowl of Brussel sprouts across the table!

    Some final thoughts:

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  • 6. Remember that we're related for better or for worse.

    6. Remember that we're related for better or for worse.

    The writer Rick Riordan reminds us that “Sometimes the best we can do is to remind each other that we're related for better or for worse...” And that is no easy task. We can either take the view that “happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city” (to quote comedian George Burns) or we can embrace God’s gift of family, in all its wounded wonder. The truth is that none of us have a perfect family. Yet, by the grace of God, all of us can say with heartfelt thanks, “But my family is perfect for me!”
     
    In His great love,
    Drew

    Drew Williams is the Senior Pastor of Trinity Church Greenwich, a writer and engaging public speaker. Drew’s ministry has been directed toward helping people find and deepen an intimate relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Prior to ordination in the Anglican Church in 2000, he practiced as a litigation attorney. Drew and his wife, Elena, came to the U.S. in 2009 to lead and serve Trinity Church.

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