Due to our sin nature, we are all inherently selfish, self-centered people who live to “gratify the cravings of the flesh” (Ephesians 2:3). However, there is a category of people who take this sin to the extreme of excessive, often destructive selfishness. In secular psychology, their condition is known as narcissism.
Narcissism Defined
The term “narcissist” is derived from Greek mythology. Narcissus was a hunter from Thespiae. He was infatuated with his own beauty, to the point where he rejected the advances of Echo, a lovely nymph. Instead, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in a pool. He pined after himself to the extent that he eventually died and turned into a flower, the narcissus.
Dr. Havelock Ellis was the first to coin the term narcissist in 1898, based on this myth, to describe someone who exhibited excessive self-absorption. Sigmund Freud later said that narcissism is a normal stage in child development but becomes a mental disorder when it does not dissipate after puberty.
Today, narcissism is rated on a spectrum based on exhibited personality traits and can range from normal to pathological. A clinical diagnosis, however, is required to pronounce someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
The Mayo Clinic defines NPD as “a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.” Please see their site for a complete list of symptoms.
The Biblical Counseling Coalition posits that narcissism is “but a half-step away from the concept of pride. More jarringly, it is an idolization of oneself… Narcissism is, quite simply, idolatry. Instead of worshipping the God of the universe, narcissists make themselves the god of their own universe, creating a reality centered entirely on them.”
God aptly calls narcissists “lovers of self” (2 Timothy 3:1). Biblically speaking, then, narcissism is self-worship and overindulgent self-love; and it has calamitous consequences, both for the narcissist and for others.
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Calamitous Consequences of Narcissism
Calamitous Consequences of Narcissism
Narcissism—which generally affects more males than females—affects not only the person themselves—their health, work, school, even their finances—but also those in their immediate sphere: spouses, children, co-workers, and friends.
Personal Level
On the personal level, narcissists, especially those on the grandiose and/or pathological end of the spectrum, often suffer from depression and anxiety because of their need for a constant “fix” of admiration and attention. Without it, their self-esteem plummets, and their negative thoughts cause them to spiral downward.
Furthermore, narcissists often experience loneliness and isolation since people tend to avoid interacting with them. This, again, can result in depression. Often, to assuage their loneliness, narcissists will create an elaborate fantasy world where they are the sole recipient of recognition and adulation.
Relational Level
Narcissists are not empathetic people. They cannot relate to, consider, or reciprocate another’s feelings. Rather, a narcissist lives in a vacuum and “sucks” the emotional life out of others.
Transactional describes their attitude toward relationships. They are only in relationships for what they can get out of them: attention, praise, and power. Not surprisingly, this contributes to the breakdown in their relationships.
Many people, once they have become wise to a narcissist’s manipulative, demanding, selfish, and abusive ways, avoid interacting with them altogether. For this reason, narcissists have a difficult time maintaining long-term relationships.
Work Level
Interestingly, narcissists tend to be highly sensitive individuals. But this sensitivity stems from pride and arrogance. They cannot fathom that they are ever wrong, have weak areas, or that there is room for improvement in their work habits or skills. When critiqued or criticized—even when it is done in a positive and calm manner—they overreact. They may express excessive anger, get overly defensive, or show contempt or hatred for the one trying to offer assistance.
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Did Jesus Ever Encounter Any Narcissists?
Did Jesus Ever Encounter Any Narcissists?
He did. Quite a few of them, in fact.
Satan is the epitome of narcissism. Satan, the fallen angel and father of lies (Isaiah 14:12; John 8:44), wants nothing more than to usurp God’s place and power. Though he tried to tempt Jesus to worship him, he failed (Luke 4:7-8).
King Herod was a jealous and depraved king who felt threatened by the Magi’s announcement that a baby had been “born king of the Jews.” To protect his throne, Herod had every baby boy under the age of two slaughtered (Matthew 2:2).
Chief Priests. Like King Herod, they felt threatened by Jesus and feared losing their authority over the people. They sought to silence Jesus several times through entrapment (Matthew 21:23-27; Luke 20:19-26).
The Pharisees were self-righteous, self-aggrandizing, religious elitists who set themselves up as paragons of ecclesiastical virtue. Jesus didn’t hesitate to call them out for what they were: a “brood of vipers” who were “evil” (Mathew 12:34), “hypocrites” and “whitewashed tombs” who appeared “as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness” (Matthew 23:27-28).
Judas Iscariot, one of the 12 disciples. Judas betrayed Jesus for the selfish, personal gain of 30 pieces of silver.
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How to Deal with a Narcissist
How to Deal with a Narcissist
Set hard boundaries
Psychology Today says, “Don’t underestimate the power of narcissism… narcissists have spent a lifetime learning how to devalue and take advantage of others. Narcissism is a powerful psychological phenomenon based on distorted views of self, others, and the world.”
Their website offers several suggestions for setting boundaries:
- Don’t justify, explain, or defend yourself.
- Leave when it doesn’t feel healthy (and I would personally add, safe).
- Decide what you will tolerate and what you won’t.
- Learn to artfully sidestep intrusive questions or negative comments.
- Take the bully by the horns.
- Remember: Good boundaries include consequences.
For in-depth explanations on each point, click “7 Ways to Set Boundaries with Narcissists.”
Avoid them
This action is actually sanctioned by God in 2 Timothy 3:1-7 (ESV), which states that in the end times, “people will be lovers of self… avoid (αποφεύγω: “shun, keep clear of, turn away from”) such people.” The NIV translation says, “have nothing to do with them.”
Avoidance takes setting hard boundaries a step further. With hard boundaries, one may still engage or have “low contact” with a narcissist. Avoiding them, however, requires that we adopt a strict “no contact” policy. This means no texting, emailing, or talking. Block them on your social media accounts. Do not engage with them even through a third party.
Why would God recommend such drastic action? To protect you as his beloved child. God advises avoidance so that we will not be drawn away by the charm and charisma of a narcissist and suffer unnecessary physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual trauma.
Also, avoidance is to protect the flock, God’s Bride. Sadly, many pastors can and have exhibited narcissistic tendencies—bullying church members, craving authority and power, being entitled and/or abusive, and acting jealous when others exhibit greater talent or garner more attention and praise than them. Too often, these toxic pastors have caused untold damage to their churches and left broken relationships and wounded hearts in their wake. In such cases, it’s imperative that such noxious pastors be removed immediately.
[Consider reading “When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse,” by Chuck DeGroat, if your church has been wounded by a pastoral narcissist.]
For someone married to a narcissist, avoidance may mean a temporary separation until both can get the help they need. Once a spouse has decided to leave, they need to take precautions beforehand, writes Anna Drescher in “Narcissistic Relationship: Signs, Impact, and How to Cope.”
She recommends that they follow these steps:
Gather important documents and essential belongings and keep them in a safe place.
Plan the logistics of your departure, including where you’ll go and how you’ll get there.
Inform trusted friends, family members, or colleagues about your plan to leave.
Choose a time to leave when the narcissistic partner is not present or when they are less likely to react violently.
Change your passwords for email, social media, and any other accounts the narcissistic partner might have access to.
Check your devices for trackers, and be cautious about sharing your location on social media.
If possible, gradually disengage from the relationship before leaving.
If you have children, let the nursery or school know who is allowed to pick them up.
If you anticipate danger during the departure, consider having a friend, family member, or even law enforcement be present to ensure your safety.
After leaving, seek therapy or counseling to help you process the experience, heal, and rebuild your life (and your marriage, if possible).
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Are Narcissists Beyond Salvation?
Are Narcissists Beyond Salvation?
Absolutely not! Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). He can redeem any person and sanctify any personality trait. We have as evidence King Nebuchadnezzar, who reacted with “fury and the expression of his face was changed” when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego refused to worship the golden image he erected. Because Nebuchadnezzar couldn’t get his way with these three young men, he had them bound and tossed into a “fiery furnace,” which miraculously did not kill them (Daniel 3).
Nebuchadnezzar initially ticked all the narcissistic boxes: selfish and self-absorbed, arrogant and proud, lacked empathy and understanding, and overreacted with murderous rage. Yet when we read on in the narrative, we see that Nebuchadnezzar was wholly humbled by God. He lived for seven years alongside the beasts of the field, eating grass.
God’s “intervention” worked, for Nebuchadnezzar was broken both in body and spirit, to the point where he finally responded with repentance and worship. “At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever…Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven; for all his works are truth, and his ways justice; and those who walk in pride he is able to abase” (Daniel 4:34, 37).
A narcissist can be saved, yes. But because of their extreme delusions of self-importance and their toxic behavior toward others, it may take a drastic humbling, like Nebuchadnezzar’s (but not necessarily insanity), for them to be convinced of their sin and their need to be saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.
What Would Jesus Say to a Narcissist?
Repent, believe in Me, and be saved; the same message Jesus preached to every sinner in Israel—the adulterer, the tax collector, the self-righteous, the murderer, the thief. And the same message we all need to hear today. Including narcissists.
Once saved, the Holy Spirit then has the task of sanctifying the narcissist’s behavior. Over time, the narcissist will learn what it means to “deny himself and take up his cross and follow [Jesus]” (Matthew 6:24). If they have truly repented of their sins, the genuineness of their conversion will be evident in their spiritual transformation. They will become less self-centered and egotistical, more humble and grateful, more compassionate and caring, and, above all, a servant to others.
Conclusion
Never give up hope on anyone, including a narcissist. No one, as we always say, is beyond the blessed reach of our great God. As long as they have breath, there exists the opportunity for repentance, forgiveness, and salvation.
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Originally published January 08, 2025.
