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Six Things I’ve Learned from Those I Love with Mental Illness
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- Published Aug 17, 2022
Mental illness is hard — but it can also be helpful, teaching us important things about faith, relationships, the love of God, and the resilience of humans in the face of suffering.
While I personally do not have a mental illness, several people in my family do (including my teen daughter), as do a few close friends. Walking with them on their journey has taught me a number of things.
Here, I share six things I’ve learned from those I love with mental illness.
1. We Are Far More Than Our Feelings
Several years ago, my daughter’s counselor drew a rough sketch of a scale — think “the scales of justice” — on a whiteboard. On the left she wrote “feeling,” and on the right she wrote “thinking.”
“Be careful to keep these even,” she cautioned. “Don’t let your feelings drag down the weight so the scale is off-balance.”
They are wise words (and a great visual!) I’ve never forgotten. Our feelings can cause us to get caught up, to believe they are the most important thing, and this can lead us astray. For example, when my loved ones are in the throes of depression, they often think they will never have hope again, instead of just recognizing they are feeling hopeless. But when we stand on the truth, we are steady.
It's important to acknowledge feelings are valid, but they don’t rule everything, nor are they always the truth. We might feel sad, but we aren’t a “sad person.” We might feel depressed, but we can also feel joy. We might feel anxious, but it doesn’t mean we need to be paralyzed by our fears.
2. We Are More Than Our Diagnoses
When my kids were little, I’d read parenting books that would advise me never to say “you are bad!” but rather to reprimand my child for his or her “bad behavior.” That way, they understand they themselves are not bad, labeled in a negative way, but rather understand it’s their behavior that needs to change. They themselves were still lovable, worthy, precious children of God; they just needed to behave that way.
Likewise, when my daughter was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression, it was important to remember that distinction. She was most decidedly not her illness — she “had depression,” I’d strive to say, rather than “she’s depressed.” She was so much more than this. It helped us keep an eye on the big picture, a proper perspective, in what can be a dark time.
As the apostle Paul advises in Col 3:2, “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” This world and its distractions can convince us sometimes this is all that matters, but there is so much more ahead of us. We need to keep that perspective on what truly matters.
3. Knowledge Helps Equip Us
When we educate ourselves about mental illness, we can recognize symptoms and warning signs. We can understand a loved one’s temporary mood swing or harsh words might be rooted in their illness, not a genuine conflict between us. It can help us not take these situations personally and cultivate more patience.
Knowledge can also save lives. Understanding words that are actually a cry for help — “I don’t want to live anymore” or “you’d be better off without me” — should lead to questions about suicide, whether they are indeed considering taking their life, whether they have concrete plans in place, etc.
God gifted us with teachers, medical workers, scientists, and others for a good reason. Learning as much as we can from them is helpful in so many ways.
As the Bible tells us in Proverbs 4:6-7, “Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”
4. Self-Care Is Important
Really caring for the self is important. It is so much more than allowing ourselves an ice cream treat or a bubble bath, or even a mental health day on occasion. Proper self-care begins by recognizing the body is indeed a temple, a house for our souls while we walk this earth (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). And what we do to our bodies impacts so much: our health, our mood, everything.
Studies have shown that poor nutrition and lack of sleep greatly exacerbate mood swings, problems with our immune system, our ability to heal, and so much more. We need to focus on caring for our bodies, which includes eating regularly and nutritiously, getting seven to nine hours of sleep a night, moving regularly, taking time for rest and reflection, and embracing our spiritual selves.
Doctors have discovered physical activity triggers a release of dopamine and serotonin, which can improve mood. They have also discovered there are certain vitamins in healthy food that can cause our mental health to stabilize and improve, while other foods (e.g. junk food, too much sugar, etc.), can fight that process.
5. Listening Helps
The Bible is filled with directives about listening. James 1:19 urges, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Proverbs 18:13 cautions, “To answer before listening — that is folly and shame,” while Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.”
I’ve learned that one of the best things I can do is keep my mouth closed and genuinely listen to my loved one pour out his or her heart and mind. Instead of assuming I know what they mean, or try to distract them with fruitless tasks or words, allowing them to talk and express their feelings helps them get to a place of peace faster. It helps them work out the situation in their mind when they express these thoughts to another human, one with a sympathetic ear, and get back on track sooner than later.
6. Sharing Stories Opens Doors
It’s important to shine light into the darkness that can be mental illness. Scripture tells us in Luke 12:2-3, “There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.”
God knows what we are going through, and God is stronger than our illnesses and issues. But when we conceal our problems, sometimes we develop shame. The concealment gives the problem more power, for we know the evil one works through fear, shame, and lies.
Also, not everyone understands mental illness. When we are bold and share our experiences, when we talk openly about mental health, we help others understand it. We help them know that, just like cancer or diabetes, mental illnesses are not our “fault” or “invisible,” but rather a real struggle with real treatment.
Our sharing might encourage someone to seek counseling or medication, or begin to talk more candidly with someone they trust.
This can save lives and help relationships flourish.
I wish my loved ones didn’t suffer or struggle with mental illness, just like I wish other relatives and friends didn’t struggle with cancer, financial difficulties, or relationship problems. But God is so much bigger than all of this, and when we can draw together as the body of Christ and love each other through our difficulties, it’s a beautiful thing, teaching us much about faith, love, and the hope of Christ.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Antonio Guillem
