3 Parts of Yourself You Should Talk to This New Year

*The exercises I presented here are based on Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which navigates the way to befriend parts of our soul and relieve them from their burdens.

Happy New Year!

But is it really, though?

January 1st doesn’t just mark the start of another year. It’s also a continuation of the months and moments that preceded it. You’re likely taking a compilation of feelings, thoughts, and dreams, courtesy into this fresh year, courtesy of the old ones.

Both because of events which happened in your world—and especially if they didn’t. 

Did you yearn to see a breakthrough in your health but ended up with too many medical appointments? Did you outdo yourself, but the promotion you were eyeing never materialized? Is your desire for a thriving marriage, cuddly baby, or house to call your own still pending?

I can relate. Last year I prayed and trusted God for my dreams, but nothing significant happened. 

Don’t get me wrong; last year also called for celebrations. My office moved to a spacious suite with ample natural light. I—and, by the looks of it, my clients—thoroughly enjoy this new space. In the spring I presented at a Christian conference. By fall, I presented at the annual Internal Family Systems (IFS) conference, my workshop one among 22 other sessions, attended by 1,800 viewers from around the world. 

An honor, indeed.

On the personal front, last year we concluded a mind-numbing, multiyear renovation process. My family gratefully moved into said house soon after. I set aside time to nurture the relationships in my world, which drew me closer to friends and colleagues. Christmastime felt rich with meaning and purpose.

I’ve tasted the sweetness of desire fulfilled, both professionally and personally: “a wish come true fills you with joy” (Proverbs 13:12, GNT). 

Then again, as you know, not all my prayers were answered. Not all my desires have come to pass. 

Which bring us to this article. 

God never changes. Because He’s always good (Psalm 100:5), God continues to conspire in bringing us life’s best this year (Jeremiah 29:11). But unless our soul responds in a receptive manner, we run the risk of missing His generosity.

That’s because disillusionment can derail our focus. Rather than training our eyes on the mini (or major) miracles God orchestrates for us, a restless soul can dwell on emotional wounds, painting the future with the same bleak colors that drenched its past.

But there’s a better way to proceed. Addressing these parts of our souls will help:

1. Disappointed Parts

“Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body” (1 Corinthians 12:12), the same can be said of the soul. Relax—having multiple parts in your soul doesn’t imply you’re mentally unbalanced. It means you’re a human being.

When something we expect doesn’t materialize, a part of our soul stores the resulting disappointment. Let’s call this the disappointed part. 

Listening to what this part has to say is important, because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34). If we don’t, more disappointment will naturally pile on these parts as time goes on, until they’re bound to leak their distress into our soul.

You’ll hear thoughts like these in your mind when it happens:

Maybe God has good things in store for someone else, but not me.

Why bother hoping? I don’t want to be crushed again.

My life is like a blasted lemon tree. Too sour.

To help your disappointed part, ask it the following: What can I do to help you not approach this new year with preconceived disappointment?

After you ask the question, listen on the inside, with your heart wide open. 

When I did this myself, my part let me know how it needed me to understand the disappointment it had collected last year. I validated my part, while also emphasizing how God makes everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

This reminder was what my part needed to believe. Perhaps, some of the things it wanted last year didn’t happen simply because it wasn’t the right time.  

Spending time with my disappointed part resulted in its willingness to trust in God; specifically, that He will make this new year a good one.

2. Impatient Parts

Invite the part that feels impatient to join you. You’ll know this part has shown up when you feel an increasing sense of restlessness, fretfulness, or agitation. Alternatively, thoughts like When will I get my big break? or I’ve been waiting long enough! may scroll through your mind.

Once you’ve sensed this part’s arrival, welcome it with curiosity. (If there are judgmental thoughts toward the impatient part, remember that the fruit of the Spirit is patience. Be patient with your impatient self. Ask every part that hovers nearby to give you space until your heart is open toward the target part.)

Then, ask inside: 

Why do you want things to happen right now? 

What are you afraid might happen if God doesn’t fulfill your desires right away?

Like before, aim your questions internally. Then, wait for the answers, which can come in the form of thoughts, pictures, memories, feelings, or bodily sensations. If you’re unsure what an answer might mean, ask your impatient part to clarify.

Approaching my own impatient part using the same exercise yielded an unexpected, but enlightening, outcome. Turns out my part used impatience to cover up shame—because, in my part’s perspective, the fact that I had not achieved more progress must have meant I wasn’t smart or worthy enough. 

Once I reminded my part that any success I receive comes not from my power but from God’s Spirit (Zechariah 4:6) and favor (Psalm 5:12), the part willingly surrendered its impatience and shame to the Lord.

3. Inner Critics

As their name implies, these parts criticize us. They do so in hopes of improving us, so others won’t have to slam us with an even more brutal reproach.

Even if their work product doesn’t feel fluffy—who likes to have their every move monitored and measured as not good enough?—inner critics want the best for us. 

Keep this in mind as you dialogue with your own inner critic.

Like before, aim your attention inward. Express your intention to talk to the part that criticizes you. Assure other parts that if they give you space to dialogue with your critic, you can help this part tone down its reproof of you.

You’ll know you’re talking to your critic if you suddenly feel judged. Ashamed. Belittled. 

Ask your critic:

Do you realize the more you criticize me, the less likely I’ll have a good year?

Are you interested in a more effective way of helping me?

If your inner critic expresses interest in hearing more, share what I’ve informed my own inner critic: Jesus is a better model for improving behavior. I let my critic know how gentle Jesus is, even in His corrections, and how His kindness motivates me to grow (Romans 2:4).

Because I’ve worked with my inner critic over the years, the part has tamed its sharp tongue. (Somewhat.) But if you tried the above exercises and didn’t get far, don’t despair. Focusing on your inner world takes practice. You can certainly try again. 

If this article intrigues you, investigate further. Maybe even find your own IFS therapist.

You’re also welcome to shoot me your questions. I can’t provide therapy via this public forum, but I can publish my answer in the form of an article.

Let’s have a fulfilling year, shall we?

Happy New Year to you and all your parts!

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/bernardbodo

Dr. Audrey Davidheiser is a licensed psychologist in California, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now provides IFS therapy for trauma survivors, including those with religious trauma, and assists in IFS trainings. She has been a regular writer for Crosswalk.com and columnist for iBelieve.com. Her book on how IFS helps the grieving process, Wholehearted Grieving, will be published by InterVarsity Press in 2025.